Pampers-Trump Miss USA 2007 Pubic Hair Conspiracy

Earlier today I came across a report from last Friday's Miss USA 2007 held in Hollywood, California. (excerpted with my commentaries)
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"...Since few people watch National Bias Corporation (NBC) in a first place, very few people got to watch the show.

Hence, it is important for the Pubic Hair Patrol (PHP) to expose the conspiracy between Pampers (major sponsor of the event), and Donald Trump (co-owner of the pageant).

The uncovered conspiracy was aimed to assure victory fora natural brunette pubic hair contestant, over obviously more deserving blonds.

Since no American blond would purposely dye the hair on her head brown or black, it’s safe to assume that by end of first round of competition there was only ONE (1) token-blond among the Top 10, Ms. Missouri, surrounded by 9 natural brunettes.

Having read a draft of this posting a dear friend of mine, and a Pubic Hair veteran herself, correctly pointed out that there is a new fad of pubic hair dyeing, with Pink being the most popular color.

Unless one believes in "Roses Are Red Pussy is Pink Show Me Yours And I'll Buy You A Drink" approach, one has to assume that there were 9 natural pubic hair brunettes among the 10 finalists.

Unfortunately, things got much uglier in the second round, when there was not a single natural blond among the five (5) finalists.

Conspirators were blatant to the point of including two African-Americans (Ms. Tennessee and Ms. California) in the Top 5 thus completely eliminating the possibility of natural blond pubic hair coming up on top.

Naturally, by the end of the final round, there were two brunette pubic hair owners standing face-to-face and hand-in-hand.

By the time the beautiful and graceful brunette, Ms. Tennessee was crowned, the world of natural blond pubic hair admirers came crashing down.

While the facts are indisputable on their face, the motives still remain a mystery?

It might be a reflection of Trump’s trade-in of the old blond first wife for a newer model brunette.

He might be grooming the new Miss USA to be a Pubic Hair donor for his hair transplant, and/or just being Trump and going for a free life supply of adult diapers from Pampers?
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We patrol, you decide,

CMDR. Peter S. Berg.

Pubic hair determines...

Saturday, March 10, 2007

...woman’s sexuality, according to Japanese professor Asaki Geino classifies women into five types, the most likely of which to be unfaithful being the type whose hair resembles the mouth of a river."

Usually female pubic hair grows in the form of an upside down triangle, but some women's is oblong or elliptical in shape," the professor explained."

It's not that rare for women with oblong-shaped pubic hair to fall in love at first sight or fall head-over-heels with passion. They also don't like sitting at home on their own. The combination of these characteristics causes men to go wild over them.

" The majority of eastern women have pubic hair that looks like an inverted triangle: "This type is characterized by faithfulness and fitness for family life. Women of this type are good mothers, faithful wives and caring daughters. I don't think I'm wrong when I say that precisely this type of woman helped Japan become the glorious country it is," Geino said triumphantly, Rol.ru reports.

There's no doubt the professor's findings are very interesting, but nevertheless they're impossible to apply in practice: the majority of women today wax their bikini line clean.

In a related observation, I am convinced that all people are Jewish, including Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately, some are still in denial.

Having said this, if a man has serious intentions, it might be worth his while asking to participate in the process in order to see what his future holds.

In the meantime, I am patrolling your neighborhood in our Pubic Hair Patrol (PHP) cruiser.

We patrol, you enjoy!

Greatest Threat to Pubic Hair Since Nair

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Leadership of the Pubic Hair Patrol (PHP) together with the Academy of Pubic Hair Arts (APHA) today came out strongly condemning the reputed conduct of “naked women hunting” by paintball enthusiasts in Nevada.

PHP joins Oscar Goodman, alleged ex-Mob attorney and current Mayor of Las Vegas and many women’s advocacy groups in its strong objections to the practice.

“This is despicable!” fumed Commander Berg. “I can think of no greater imminent peril currently facing Pubic Hair and its carriers. The very thought of high velocity pellets of noxious paint splattering, or God Forbid, directly impacting pubic areas is chilling!”

CMDR. Berg made his comments from PHP headquarters in the hills of Southern California at a hastily called press conference.

The events that have triggered such a wave of revulsion in the halls of government and Pubic Hair diligence originate from the activities of a Las Vegas based company that is apparently staging “hunts for hire” (for $10,000.00 a pop--no pun intended) wherein naked women (clad only in shoes and protective helmets) are stalked by men armed with high powered “paint ball guns”.

The women are “tracked” by the erstwhile hunters, who attempt to shoot them with the exploding paint pellets. The resultant impacts are painful and cause extensive soaking of the effected area by sticky paint.

The company, “Real Men Outdoor Productions, Inc. (“ReMOP” for short) claims its activities are perfectly legal and safe. Spokesman David Krekelberg asserts that all hunts take place on private property, the women participate willingly and are well paid.

Mayor Goodman is not so sure. “As soon as I found out about this I called for an investigation.” stated the former “Good Fella” mouthpiece who appeared as himself in Robert DeNiro’s “Casino”. “Las Vegas is the place where anything goes, (the Mayor can certainly testify to that) but this crosses the line if it is real.”

Berg's concerns went beyond the issues of possible code violations and property issues and were directed squarely at the harrowing trauma that such hunts pose for Pubic Hair.“Where do I begin?” ranted the strikingly handsome Commander.

“The exposure of the hair to the harsh elements….the anxiety and terror of never knowing when a high velocity pellet may strike the Pubis……the chemical and biological threats of toxic paint mixed with perspiration, heat and dust……We are outraged!”Berg went on to point out the tortuous progress that her group has made in recent years in restoring Pubic Hair Integrity and heightening awareness of the urgent need for Pubic Enlightenment.

“All for what?” he queried. “So some testosterone crazed Neanderthals can run around defiling and destroying Pubic Hair wholesale? So that millions of hairs will find false hope in the light of day, only to be plunged into the heart-stopping terror of possible paint immolation?”

The only thing necessary for Pubic Tyranny to exist is that men and women of good will do nothing. The lessons of the past are stern reminders that Pubic Oppression must be opposed at its first evidence. “This will not be the last time we will be heard on this matter,” stated Berg, throwing down the Gauntlet of Pubic Defense. “We urge all concerned owners, lovers and secret admirers of Pubic Hair to join us in our fight.

We patrol , you decide!

CMDR. Peter S. Berg.

Back to the History of Private Life

MONDAY, MARCH 5, 2007

Point-Counter Point to the Questions Presented by Gilder Lehrman in his seminal work “Back to the History of Private Life” (excerpts)

Comments brought to you by the LA Herald Examiner & CMD. Peter S. Berg in bold interspersed in text.

The Modern Family

Does a father have the right to give his children his last name even if his wife objects? As long as he has an obligation to pay child support, hell yes!

Can an expectant mother obtain an abortion without her husband's permission? She will anyway! Should a teenager, unhappy with her parents' restrictions on her smoking, dating, and choice of friends, be allowed to have herself placed in a foster home? Some parents get all the luck!

Should a childless couple be permitted to hire a "surrogate mother" who will be artificially inseminated and carry a child to delivery? Only if we get finder’s fee, and if only PHP Patrolmen are called upon to contribute politically-incorrect sperm. Seriously, that childless couple should consider adopting a pre-manufactured child.

In 1960, over 70 percent of all American households were like the Cleavers: made up of a breadwinner father, a homemaker mother, and their kids. We believe the Cleavers were all Russian Communist Spies as well as closet cross-gender pubic hair abusers.

Today, "traditional" families with a working husband, an unemployed wife, and one or more children make up less than 15 percent of the nation's households. The end of free-floating. Got to love the equal right for women, it's about time they pay their own way!

Today's television families run the gamut from two-career families to two single mothers and their children and an unmarried couples who cohabited in the same house. And all of them still are (and portrayed like) idiots and possibly Chinese spies, and genetic pool pollutants (GPP).

Profound changes have reshaped American family life in recent years. In a decade, divorce rates doubled-a triumph of common sense over stupid "hope"!

The number of unmarried couples living together has quadrupled since 1970. We proudly support and enthusiastically contribute to this trend--no one needs a contract with the state to provide for one's ex (male or female)--it's like buying choice oats for a dead horse!

What accounts for these upheavals in family life? Marriage is a really stupid idea, unless you are a wedding planner or a divorce attorney--why milk the cow...?Further, it is statistically bad for mens physical, emotional and financial well being.

Today, over 80 percent of all women say that they were not virgins when they married, compared to less than a 20 percent a generation ago. Which simply means that 80% of the women today are being honest compared with only 20% whatever the hell they are talking about! Further, virginity itself is just an opinion.

Extramarital sex has also increased sharply. Back in the 1940s, just eight percent of married women under the age of 25 had committed adultery. Yeah, right, I’m sure--the nature of the beast never changes, just its manifestations.

Today the estimated figure is 24 percent. Getting closer, but still a lie! Meanwhile, the proportion of children born to unmarried mothers has climbed from just five percent in 1960 to over twenty percent today; trend supported and promoted by the Association of DNA Testing Laboratories.

In 1960, the birth control pill was introduced, offering a highly effective method of contraception, in addition to tried & proven method of oral contraception (just say NO!)

Sexually-oriented magazines began to display pubic hair--Praise the Lord!

In fact, the relegation of pubic hair to the dark and forbidden zones of institutional prejudice was the first true holocaust of man!

A new era of public sexuality was ushered in and as a result it became far easier and more acceptable to have an active social life and sex life outside of marriage.

Sex found its redeeming social value in 1962, when Illinois became the first state to decriminalize all forms of private sexual conduct between consenting adults.

We need to move our headquarters to Illinois immediately!

These legal decisions, to a large extent, took government out of the business of regulating private sexual behavior and defining the sexual norms according to which citizens were supposed to live. And not a breath of pubic hair too soon either!

As wives have assumed a larger role in their family's financial support, they have felt justified in demanding that husbands perform more child care and housework. Forget it, sister! Next thing they will be asking for husbands to help with slaughter of innocent pubic hairs!

At the same time, fewer children have a full-time mother and as a result an increasing number of young children are cared for during the day by adults other than their own parent--creating fertile ground for child predators--thank you, feminism.

The women's liberation movement attacked the societal expectation that women defer to the needs of spouses and children as part of their roles as wives and mothers--forcing men to wear un-bifurcated garments.

Militant feminist activists like Ti-Grace Atkinson denounced marriage as "slavery" and "legalized rape." The larger mainstream of the women's movement articulated a powerful critique of the idea that child care and housework were the apex of a woman's accomplishments or her sole means of fulfillment. And they make it sound like it is not their apex & sole means of fulfillment!?

As a result of feminism, a substantial majority of women now believe that both husband and wife should have jobs, do housework, and take care of children. Amen, the truth will set them free!

Both liberals and conservatives have offered their own proposals about how the American family can best be strengthened. This on-going "strengthening" has probably resulted in a recent decapitation and dismemberment of Tara Lynn Grant in Michigan by her husband Steve, who was upset with constant trips to her job in Puerto Rico.

They sought to restrict access to abortion, dickheads, block ratification of the proposed Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution, restrict eroticism on television, not my TV!, and limit teenagers' access to contraceptive information.

We will provide girls of legal age (cute only) with all the information they need, both boring and deviant, as, yet another public service by the PHP.

Without a doubt, the family will remain one of the hottest political issues in the years to come, but right after Indian gambling, that is so much fun for entire family; lucrative for the state; provides jobs for prostitutes, drug dealers and corrupt politicians. (90% of corrupt politicians give the remaining 10% a bad rap)

Yadda Yadda Yadda! (Birdie)

Oh, yea, family issues might have to wait for the resolution of A.N. Smith mystery.

We patrol, you decide!

CMDR. Peter S. Berg.

The Organization.

Organization:

Direction is provided by the Pubic Hair Leadership Council, (PHLC) consisting of a number of appointed Pubic Hair Members At large and in A Good standing, a Deputy Commander in charge of Operations, Lonely Pubic Hair Ranger CMRD. Peter S. Berg, who is also the Commandant of the PHP Academy, assorted beautiful young PHPatrolwomen to provide us with pubic hair vision, Ranking Members of the PHP Patrol, and couple of harmless old men of undetermined sexual orientation and ill-described responsibilities.

Ranking Structure:

Our membership consist of individuals, couples, trade groups, organized right wing conspirators idiotic community organizers, neighborhood watch association, deranged members of Occupy Wall Street movement--all are welcome to join our Pubic Hair Cadet-Candidate program.

 

Its open to any person willing to submit himself to Pubic Hair Background Check or provide electronic references from two independent Pubic Hair Owners in Good Standing.

The testing, administrative and processing fee of $9.95 Will allow you to take our on-line open-book test and upon achievement of a minimum passing score to Enroll as Pubic Hair Cadet for a 6-8 weeks training course (depending on Pubic Hair Aptitude).

At the end of the course Cadet will be commissioned as a Certified Pubic Hair Patrolperson and will receive a certificate, etc… bumper sticker and access to member’s only website and the International FraMaternal Order of Pubic Hair Admirers and NUMEROUS other benefits

As a natural Pubic Hair Driven professional you can continue you training and education at the Academy for an additional fee and will be able to take advancements exam every 3 month after achieving previous rank for a higher rank of: PHP Squad Leader, PHP Master-Sergeant, PHP Lieutenant, PHP Inspector, PH Captain and eventually PHP Asst. Commander. Once you have served in the rank of Assistant Commander for 6 month or over you will be eligible for a seat on the Pubic Hair Leadership Council.

Main Duties of the Organization:

Patrol:

To serve and to protect the needs of both attached Pubic Hair and the fallen comrades, mainly to offer an advise and counseling to the pubic hair and its current owner (unless specifically invited to act by the owner or a guardian), through careful observation, sniffing while exercising an utmost common sense and better judgement in order not to upset the current owner, get slapped in the face or arrested by a patrolmen without our sensitivities but with powers to drag your own pubic hair to jail.

An individual Patrolperson can perform his or hers Pubic Hair Patrol duties at any time and any place he or she deems appropriate and both in presence or absence of there own Pubic Hair to front for them. The Patrolperson can engage in both an individual patrol or teamed up with as many others as the capacity of most public spaces allows and the area of patrol can range from ones own pubic hair for up to 100 square miles give or take a Pubic hair or two!

Rescue:

Should in a course of their patrol duties the Patrolperson comes across any voluntary fallen Pubic Hair it is their duty to collect it in the prescribed fashion and to deliver them to central Pubic Hair Memorial facility where they will be given last respects and turn into commercial merchandise to be sold for the benefit of the owner and organizers of the PHP. NO efforts should be made at any time to reunite the fallen Pubic Hair with its past owner.

Special Projects:

Contribute to the efforts of the office of the National Homeland Security Agency, as Pubic Hair can now be exposed to depilatory creams, sprays, anthrax, assorted bugs and other numerous pathogens that present an additional problem with airport security and might require additional numbers of our Certified PH Snifters that will be teamed up with domestic and farm animals capable of sniffing out potential Pubic Hair contamination-a program similar to US Navy's use of dolphins. We actually believe that our Pubic Hair Snifters (PHS) program will be much more successful cost-effective than Navy’s since most of out PHP are going amphibious, large percentage is bisexual, and some are actually bilingual.

Mission Statement

The Problem:

Since the beginning of times (whether you subscribe to Eve or Lucy theories) up to now Pubic Hair was reduced to shameful, undercover, dark, damp, fungal existence.

As we enter the 21 Century countless billions of Pubic Hairs worldwide continue to be undernourished, overtrimmed, scraped, shaved, chaffed, and waxed away as well as being plucked, electrocuted, attacked by the laser beams and subjected to chemical weapons of massive pubic hair destruction for the questionable benefit of the very few.

Billions continue to live in dangerous, untisanitary conditions and parish daily without literally seeing a light of day.

The Organization:

PHP believes that organizations at the corporate level have the option to change the world of Pubic Hair for the better by making ourselves accountable for actions towards at least our own Pubic Hairs.

By making thoughtful, conscientious business decisions, we hope to set an example for the other organizations and begin a new era of "reverse Pubic Hair discrimination".

PHP attitude does not accept preconceived limitations, unless they are our own. Actual and proven PHP members will only publicly represent PHP with Pubic Hair in good standing.

The Command and Control structure of PHP will not exploit cultures, peoples or environments to achieve capital gains except for the purposes of liberation of Pubic Hair from cruel bonds of oppression.

The Organization only grows, act, and react at the speed our members Pubic Hair grows and development demands. That "Form Follows Pubic Hair Function" continues to be our modus operandi.

PHP will continue to grow organically, while seeking the favor of the multitude of Pubic Hairs both standing and fallen.

We welcome the ideas, resources and opinions of our customers as long and until those do not interfere with our better judgement.

The Members:

We are a volunteer non-uniformed patrol organization of Pubic Hair professionals, amateurs, sympathizers, owners (past and present), who join together to provide patrol services world-wide and around the clock to protect the integrity of Pubic Hair (PH) and to assure it’s (PH) humane and cruelty-free existence, and the sanctity of the Wax Free Zone (WFZ).

We the Pubic Hair Patrolpersons provide services worldwide through a tightly woven network of dedicated Pubic Hair lovers of all sexes, religions, and political persuasions and breakfast cereal preferences.

Each one of our members wakes up and falls asleep with the same thought:” I do not ask what Pubic Hair can do for me today, I ask what I can do for Pubic Hair, my own or better someone’s else’s!”

Your Fearless Pubic Hair Leader,

CMDR. Peter S. Berg.