Greatest Threat to Pubic Hair Since Nair

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Leadership of the Pubic Hair Patrol (PHP) together with the Academy of Pubic Hair Arts (APHA) today came out strongly condemning the reputed conduct of “naked women hunting” by paintball enthusiasts in Nevada.

PHP joins Oscar Goodman, alleged ex-Mob attorney and current Mayor of Las Vegas and many women’s advocacy groups in its strong objections to the practice.

“This is despicable!” fumed Commander Berg. “I can think of no greater imminent peril currently facing Pubic Hair and its carriers. The very thought of high velocity pellets of noxious paint splattering, or God Forbid, directly impacting pubic areas is chilling!”

CMDR. Berg made his comments from PHP headquarters in the hills of Southern California at a hastily called press conference.

The events that have triggered such a wave of revulsion in the halls of government and Pubic Hair diligence originate from the activities of a Las Vegas based company that is apparently staging “hunts for hire” (for $10,000.00 a pop--no pun intended) wherein naked women (clad only in shoes and protective helmets) are stalked by men armed with high powered “paint ball guns”.

The women are “tracked” by the erstwhile hunters, who attempt to shoot them with the exploding paint pellets. The resultant impacts are painful and cause extensive soaking of the effected area by sticky paint.

The company, “Real Men Outdoor Productions, Inc. (“ReMOP” for short) claims its activities are perfectly legal and safe. Spokesman David Krekelberg asserts that all hunts take place on private property, the women participate willingly and are well paid.

Mayor Goodman is not so sure. “As soon as I found out about this I called for an investigation.” stated the former “Good Fella” mouthpiece who appeared as himself in Robert DeNiro’s “Casino”. “Las Vegas is the place where anything goes, (the Mayor can certainly testify to that) but this crosses the line if it is real.”

Berg's concerns went beyond the issues of possible code violations and property issues and were directed squarely at the harrowing trauma that such hunts pose for Pubic Hair.“Where do I begin?” ranted the strikingly handsome Commander.

“The exposure of the hair to the harsh elements….the anxiety and terror of never knowing when a high velocity pellet may strike the Pubis……the chemical and biological threats of toxic paint mixed with perspiration, heat and dust……We are outraged!”Berg went on to point out the tortuous progress that her group has made in recent years in restoring Pubic Hair Integrity and heightening awareness of the urgent need for Pubic Enlightenment.

“All for what?” he queried. “So some testosterone crazed Neanderthals can run around defiling and destroying Pubic Hair wholesale? So that millions of hairs will find false hope in the light of day, only to be plunged into the heart-stopping terror of possible paint immolation?”

The only thing necessary for Pubic Tyranny to exist is that men and women of good will do nothing. The lessons of the past are stern reminders that Pubic Oppression must be opposed at its first evidence. “This will not be the last time we will be heard on this matter,” stated Berg, throwing down the Gauntlet of Pubic Defense. “We urge all concerned owners, lovers and secret admirers of Pubic Hair to join us in our fight.

We patrol , you decide!

CMDR. Peter S. Berg.